Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

With the news that my friend Dale over at has just received a free book to review because he reviewed some other book, it has come to my attention that as a blogger who is now approaching 1/2 of a milliWheaton* in daily hits, it is time for me to perhaps try and pimp myself out for swag. So without further adieu:

Actually, this looks kind of gross.

Roast Beefs: I am a big fan of all things, erm, slaughtered. I know this does not make me a good liberal, but still… if you give me a big mass of beef and then you cover it with some sort of cheese and perhaps add bacon, I am a happy man. It’s not that I hate animals. Well, it is partially that. They are always staring at me with their beady eyes, thinking their animal thoughts. I think you’d have to be crazy in my situation *not* to hate them. That being said, I also enjoy how they and, in the case of cheese, their entrails taste. There is a good moral lesson here: if you are going to be that obstreperous and also that delicious, you deserve to be eaten.

Related swag: ranch dressings, barbecue sauces, pastas (but only if they include chicken, beef, or pork or perhaps all of the three together), “garden patties” (but only if they are made of beef).

Trips to Far Away Lands. I’ve now been out of the United States exactly twice, both times to London** and as such can be easily impressed. Seriously, if you were to send me a ticket to some place in Brandenburg and add a hotel room for a week, I would totally write nice things about you. Just don’t expect the same for a train ticket and 3 days in North Dakota. A Greyhound bus ticket and a half-night in Spokane is right out.

Other Blogs. I’m not sure how this would work but I am certain that if successful, this endeavor would rip a hole in the space-time continuum. So let’s give it a go, blog peoples!


Tickets to the Gun Show. There’s nothing I like more than to get not just one, but two tickets to the gun show. Also, will you find some way to contort your arm so that you can flex your “tri”? Perhaps you could point to your shoe. I think it’s a mark of American sophistication and mastery of all the important things in the world that the word “triceps” takes too long for your standard bodybuilder to say and therefore must be replaced by a monosyllable. See also “glutes”, “delts”, “pecs”, “quads”, and “bis”. Not “lats” though because the term “latissimus dorsi” really is just plain stupid and long.

Moneys. My idea here is that you will send me lots of different kinds of currency, I will describe what it looks like, how it feels, and so on, and then I will recount my experiences trying to purchase items with it. Obviously, this is going to need to be American currency, owing to the fact that the local California Pizza Kitchen does not accept the Euro anymore. Also, I will state up front that I can be bought, and that furthermore the larger the denominations, the better you will be received. Finally, people who think they can “make a funny” by sending me Nixon $3 bills or George W. Bush Deficit Special -$1 bills, I am onto you.

*Note: if you are a swag giver awayer, please do not click this link and instead assume that a milliWheaton is a very, very large number. Look, it has the term “milli” in it.

**Canada does not count.


What is the DEAL with me not updating this ish? I was all about to clue everyone in on the Londonosity of London when a strange thing happened: I didn’t feel like it. Yes, I know what you are saying… “you, Johnny Slick? You, who possess an attention span of a fruit fly bereft of oranges, got bored with something?” To which I say, that was an awfully intellectual use of the term ‘bereft’ and I do not mean that in a good way. Also, yes it is the truth.

In the meantime, my life has entered a wacky new direction. Well, wacky for me. Probably embarrasingly nerdy for you, dear reader, who periodically checks in to see if I have updated my capybara picture collection. In a nutshell, I play a game known as the Dungeons and Dragons. You may remember it as the thing that makes children worship the devil and go into sewers in search of monsters. Fittingly, I am now the “Dungeon Master” of the group that I am in, meaning that I kinda sorta come up with the stories everyone else in the group plays out. No, there is no live action component, although I am the kind of “DM” who finds playing things out to be a lot more fun than doing things like “rollng to hit” or “ordering pizza”.

I’ll probably write something about that. Unless I get bored.